Are You Ready For Some Football? – Belt and Crawford
We’re sharing the space today. SFG Productions taped us playing Madden NFL against each other last week. They’ll show it on an “Inside the Clubhouse’’ segment on Comcast at some point. In the meantime, we got someone to transcribe the audio (at least a lot of it). You might find it totally boring, but it was an easy way to “write’’ a post. We like easy. (Especially Belt. Let’s be honest.)
To set the scene: We’re in an empty suite at Scottsdale Stadium sitting on stools and facing a huge screen. We’re holding PlayStation controllers that neither of us has ever used. Crawford picks the 49ers as his team. Belt picks the Cowboys. Then Belt sets the difficulty level.
Craw: You serious? At least All-Pro.
Belt: All-Pro? No!
[The music comes up. Teams appear on the screen.]
Belt: If you remember, when they played each other in 2012 the Cowboys won.
Craw: This is 2014. Nobody cares about 2012.
Belt: Don’t look at my plays.
Craw: I’m picking my own plays.
Belt: First down, son!
[Then another first down for Dallas. And another.]
Belt: Are you even playing defense?
Craw: I’m pressing buttons still trying to figure it out.
[Dallas scores, PAT good, 7-0]
Belt [Examining the controller to choose defensive plays]: What am I doing here? Oh my goodness.
[49ers receiver eludes Cowboys’ defender for a first down.]
Belt: That’s bullcrap. Everybody knows the Cowboys have the best secondary in the NFL.
[Then the Cowboys stuff 49ers RB Frank Gore.)
Belt: Take a seat!
[Cowboys’ ball. Incomplete pass.]
Announcer: Terrible route!
Belt [glaring at his controller]: This thing is not made for lefties.
[Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo fumbles.]
Belt: Oh my gosh! Seriously? No chance! This game’s so stupid.
Announcer: That was just a terrible job by the offensive player!
Belt: That was just a terrible job by the makers of this game. Romo doesn’t fumble.
[A few minutes later Frank Gore runs for a 49ers touchdown, PAT good, 7-7.]
Belt: Well, we know where the makers of this game are from. They make PlayStations in the Bay Area, right?
Craw: You think that’s what’s going on?
Belt: I know that’s what’s going on.
[Romo fumbles again.]
Belt: Oh my god! OK, I quit. I want to break this thing. You got to be kidding me.
[A few plays later, the 49ers score again, 14-7. Then the Cowboys score, 14-14 at halftime.]
Belt: We’re tied, and I never play and you play all the time. How does that make you feel?
Craw: Not very good, to be honest.
[49ers open second half with a steady drive down the field.]
Craw: You nervous?
[Quarterback sneak for 49ers touchdown, 21-14]
[Crawford laughs. Belt is disgusted.]
Belt: Why are we playing at Candlestick? Did you do this? To give you as many advantages as possible today?
[But soon Dallas scores. Belt wants a timeout before the PAT]
Belt: How do you call a timeout on this thing?
Craw: Why are you calling a timeout?
Belt: [Laughs]: I have to figure out how to do this!
Craw: You going for two?
Belt: Stop looking at my stuff, man!
Craw: I’m looking at the screen to pick a play.
[Belt’s two-point conversion pass fails. Score is 21-20, 49ers]
Belt: What was that? [Laughs]. Go big or go home.
[Belt calls for an onside kick. The ball slips through the 49ers hands, and Dallas recovers.]
Belt: Oh, oh!
Craw [Smiling]: PlayStation’s stupid.
Belt: Oh yes! This is the best game ever!
Craw: The best part is I had no way to control that.
Belt: Yes, you did — catch the ball!
Craw: It was in his hands.
[Incomplete pass for Dallas. Then another.]
Belt: This is the dumbest game I’ve ever seen!
[Then a gain of 9.]
Belt: Fourth and inches!
Craw [Deadpan]: I’m pretty sure he’s going for it here.
[Dallas picks up the first down. Two-minute warning.]
Belt: My palms are sweating.
[First and 10 for Dallas. Incomplete.]
Belt: Oh my god!
Craw: Do you have confidence in your kicker?
Belt: No. I don’t have confidence in myself to make the kick.
Craw: It’s only a 57-yarder from there.
[Complete pass. Third and short.]
Announcer: Third and short is a lot easier than third and long!
Belt: That’s some good insight right there.
[Incomplete. Fourth down.]
Belt: OK, time out so I can freak out. How far am I? Where am I?
Craw: The 32?
Belt: Where’s the wind coming in from?
Craw [Waiting to choose his defensive play]: I’m making sure you’re kicking it before I press the button. You kicking it?
Belt: Yeah, I’m kicking it.
Crawford: Now that I taught him how to kick, he’s a decent kicker.
Announcer: No good!
Belt: Oh my gosh! [Laughing] Did he break his leg? I don’t know what happened! You got to be kidding me!
Craw: [Laughing] Candlestick wind.
Belt: I nailed that.
Craw: I thought you had it.
Belt: This game wins Dumbest Game Ever Award.
[49ers gain 8]
Belt: How do I call a timeout?
Craw: Press that button there.
[Timeout. Then 49ers immediately make a first down].
Belt: That’s it. [He stands, takes off his microphone, puts it on his stool and walks to the door.]
Craw: You have 30 seconds left.
Craw: Actually their defense is probably going to be better now that he’s gone.
Belt: It’s ridiculous. This game is ridiculous.
[Incomplete pass for the 49ers]
Craw: Defense is better without you.
[Belt calls another timeout]
Craw: [Deadpan] Take your timeout on an incomplete pass. That’s a good idea.
Belt: I nailed that kick. Doesn’t make any sense.
Craw: I’m a little embarrassed by how bad I played.
Belt: Yeah, me too. I was a little off today.
[49ers run the ball, and the clock runs out. 49ers win, 21-20.]
Belt: Well, congratulations. EA Sports is in the Bay Area. You win.
Craw: Sore loser.